Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
