There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
