My friends, they love my intelligence
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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