Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
