no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize