he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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