i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
