I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
