I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
