Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
His hands were made for my vagina.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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