hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
