Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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