Only a mothe r could love this liver
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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