so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
