she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The air was thick with penises
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
