I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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