you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
