why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
