hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
