I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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