Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
