after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
