I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
