her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
