I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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