I'm going to jail i love you
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
