He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
