My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
