i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
