you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
