So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize