Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she told me i tasted like america
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
