How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
