i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
