Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
