I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
