I met the friendliest cop last night
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
