he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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