everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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