Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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