It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My ass is underappreciated
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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