I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
