It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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