remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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