my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How's work?
Spinning.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
