do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
