Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
