I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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