I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
