moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize