i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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