i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
