My boss' voice literally gives me gas
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
