Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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