alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
