We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
