No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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