you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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