Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
