you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
