please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
