Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
